Love and other jokes.

We watch movies filled with romance and the idea of this everlasting love, a love ‘so deep the ocean would be jealous’. Characters that follow their hearts and ignore common sense and quote lines like; “Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time.” or  “You complete me.” and “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” or the ever popular “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”. 

These movies, although charming and beautiful can seem ridiculous to us single folk. The notion that our one true love is simply waiting to bump into us at a coffee shop or will see us from across a crowded bar and know at that exact moment, we are their ‘other half’. In reality, love is – at least for me – a series of unfortunate events that have led me to believe that it is totally possible that I will only ever be attracted to people who are unavailable, emotionally unstable or complete fuckboys.

Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced great love and shared beautiful memories with every lover I’ve ever had. I’ve known love so deep and pure that still to this day songs, movies and qoutes serve no other purpose than to remind me of just how great that love was; and just how stupid I was for letting her go.

Over the last 10 years I have moved across state lines, been introduced to friends and family at Christmas, taken mini-breaks and filled your news feeds with vomit worthy photos and status’ about just how much of a #luckygirl I am. Then it all ends and you’re left tying to pick up whatever is remaining of your dignity and self-worth and attempt to figure out why you didn’t see all the warning signs. Instead, you completely ignored all the advice that you’ve given to other people or you start to  feel so stupid for letting something so silly get in the way of what could have been.

So, in the spirit of reflection I have decided to come up with a guide for me (and anyone hoping to try their luck dating me) so that we know, what we’re getting ourselves into before we settle into the honeymoon period and forget our brains exist. My expectations if you will…

  1. Being ridiculously good-looking is one thing but creativity and intellect is more important to me. If you can’t turn my brain on, I’m going to get bored. Quickly.
  2. Baggage is inevitable but I am NOT your cheating ex, your terrible parents or your old High School math teacher who told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything (shout out to Mr Liddle, what a guy…). I am supportive and probably one of the most understanding  humans on the planet but I won’t be punished by the ghosts of girlfriends past.
  3. If you don’t like breakfast foods, selfies, or listening to me talking about the latest episode of The Bachelor, this isn’t going to work.
  4. I am a strong-minded, emotionally independent and whole person so I’m not looking for someone to ‘complete me’ okay? Okay.
  5. You need to not be creeped out by my Pinterest that basically plans out my future house, wedding, children etc. All the cool girls are doing it and I refuse to be embarrassed.
  6. My best friend will receive screenshots of our conversations, so don’t be a dick.
  7.  I’ll probably always spend a stupid amount of money on LUSH bath products and there will be glitter, everywhere. You’ve been warned.
  8. I’ve been told by pretty much every ex that I am insatiable, so you’ll need to keep up. My family is reading this so I’ll just leave that fun fact there for you.
  9. Speaking of my family, you’ll need to be a drinker. Trust me.
  10. Playing an instrument, any type of team sport or having a creative outlet is an automatic 10 point advantage.
  11. Oh, please wear shoes when we go out to cute cafe’s or restaurants. You would think this would be a no brainer – apparently not.
  12. I have been way too forgiving in the past so now you’ve got one chance, two at best. If you are stupid enough to do anything to make me feel anything less than the beautiful unicorn woman that I am, it will be a big “Bye Felicia!” from me.
  13. I work hard so I want to play hard too. Let’s put an emphasis on enjoying life. I want to be outside, going on adventures and seeing the world. I also want to sometimes watch Netflix for 12 hours straight, it’s about balance.
  14. Any sort of discrimination towards any group or individual will guarantee my disgust in you as a human and an end to whatever it is that we have going on.
  15. Warning: Your friends and family will continue to love me long after our relationship is over so, introduce me to them at your own risk.
  16. Having children is most certainly in my future, if you don’t want them that’s cool but lets just call this what it is – a fun night. Nothing more.
  17. Must love dogs.
  18. Watching you win me toys from claw machines is a huge turn on. So do this, okay?
  19. Please have your own friends, life, interests and hobbies. I can’t always entertain you…I am very busy and important.
  20. Abusive, manipulative, emotional leeches, bank account drainers, physically/spiritually/emotionally absent or unavailable humans need not apply.

I know this is all sounding very cynical. You can probably tell I have had just about enough of lovers promising the world and then offering up a second-hand ripped atlas but I do still believe in great love. A love that will knock me off my feet and challenge my common sense. A love that will fill me up and inspire me to be open to sharing my life with another person again. A love that will make it super clear that anyone I’ve ever dated has just been a practise round. A love that encourages, motivates, inspires and feels like cloud 9. A love that proves all my cynicism wrong and I can be a bird and she can be a bird and all that jazz…

Look, it may happen… It might have happened on the weekend, if I could have actually drummed up the courage to speak to the hottest girl I have EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, instead of freezing up like a complete idiot. Urgh. Dating is hard.

Who knows… I’ll keep you posted. 

Love, P



3 thoughts on “Love and other jokes.

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