I’m currently in that phase of my 20’s where I’m starting to realise (despite my parents best intentions) that I can’t actually always have everything I want. Now that the disappointment is setting in, shit is obviously getting real.
Now, you may be thinking “P, you’re a real go-getter, you can achieve anything that you put your mind to…” and you would be correct, I appreciate you. However, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you need to concede defeat to unrealistic goals. Today I am going to tell you what I want, what I really, really want and like a bratty teenager, I’ll bitch and moan about why I can’t have them with the help of GIFs.
I can’t hang out with my best friends any time I want. Look, I know this is my own fault for falling in friendship love with the most incredible people on the planet and then moving away BUT I’m not happy about it. Melbourne has been the dream since I went to Commercial Road many years ago with the best Uncle a young queer kid could ask for. I have met people here who are fun, fabulous and fucking hilarious but I would be lying if I said I didn’t long for my favourites.
Jossie is the Yang to my Grey. Our daily conversations consists of sending each other nudes, selfies, screenshots, memes, future wedding ideas and more nudes while tagging each other on Facebook and Instagram. Basically, if we’re not asleep, on a date or dead… There is no excuse for the notifications to stop. Bianca is a chosen sister and my longest friend. We’ve been through it all together and she holds all of the photos I hope never end up online. Anna is the nurturer, the protector, the Mother. The woman I could only hope to be. Miranda is my bro; the most loyal, stubborn and opinionated person I know. We sure as shit don’t always agree and have spent more money than I care to admit on potato skins at Hogs Breath but that bitch has my back and I will always have hers. Then there is Brodie who is my soul mate and the future father of my children. The only person who knows me better than myself, calls me on my bullshit and won’t ever let me forget that home is where the heart is.
I am obviously well aware that I am infinitely blessed to call this group of freaks my closest friends. So, what I really want is for them to get together in one room and talk about how great I am and how much they love me.
I can’t have super sexy fun times with a total babe. When you meet someone and there is some sort of connection, it is only natural for you to want to spend time with them and get to know them. For me, the interest that I have in someone is often magnified if I can’t have them. I’ve been playing this game for years, I know how it works. These hot humans are the ultimate fishermen. Casting a line, reeling you in and then instead of throwing you back for a more available fisherman, they just keep you in the boat while periodically dipping you back in the water so you don’t lose interest or die.
The problem exists in the fact that although completely out of reach, these people enjoy knowing that they are desired by you. They also have no trouble admitting that although they ‘want’ you, feel a connection and were blown away by a certain set of skills that you happen to possess, they can’t have what they want either – for now. Now, you try to exercise patience but here you are spending your time thinking about how great they are and how great the connection is and how badly you just want to do it like they do on the discovery channel.
You know they are only contacting you when their grass is dull as fuck because they know, just how green and lush it is on the other side… all the while maintaining that you are trouble. Don’t believe it babes because you aren’t the one with the girlfriend or partner and have no one to answer to other than yourself and your God, Beyoncé.
I can’t live inside a never ending food coma and have the body I want. I was not blessed with an incredibly well performing metabolism. So, although magically reappearing Tim Tam’s don’t exist at all (which quite frankly, could be considered false advertising) it is probably for the best. Junk food and I have a love/hate relationship. I tend to eat my feelings and then feel worse because of all the shit I just put into my body.
Becoming more aware of making healthier choices is a commitment that I am trying to make – daily. I do wish to be healthy/fit/live a long a happy life but my main motivation is to join Khloe Kardashian in the Revenge Body club. Whatever it takes, I say. Whatever gets my ass off the couch and away from the fries… I’ll take it.
I can’t have another conversation with my Dad. Losing my Dad is the hardest thing I have ever endured. It is more than missing him, more than wishing you had more time, so much more than the hole his passing has left in my life. It is the worst heartache a child can imagine. Knowing that my Dad will never walk me down the aisle, never hold my children and never wrap his warm, loving arms around me again is the ultimate realisation that I can’t actually have everything I always dreamed of.
Although I will never have these things, I know that he is watching over me and guiding me every day. He would be so proud of all of us for finding the courage to laugh, sing, dance and love each other through the pain of losing our favourite man. I wish I could say that knowing all of this makes it easier… Some days it does and some days it doesn’t.
We spend so much time and energy focusing on the things that we don’t have that we forget about all of the blessings that exist within our day to day lives. I have a stable job and a roof over my head. I live in one of the most incredibly cultured, artistic, exciting and entertaining cities in the world. I have beautiful friends and family who support, encourage and love the shit out of everything I do.
So, I may not have all the things I want but certainly have all the things I need.