*Let me start off by saying, I’ve used the word lesbian but I identify as Queer and you can pop whatever word fits/suits/feels most comfortable for you right in that little spot and keep on reading; because, being inclusive is the tits.
Also, as always, my opinions and feelings towards any topic are based purely on my experiences and although you may not agree, I hope that you feel safe enough to share your thoughts – should you feel the urge – in the comment section below.
Being asked about life as a queer woman has been something I have come to expect from years of running an advice blog for young LGBTQia humans. It has become apparent that we are a gaggle of magical unicorn creatures that are seemingly misunderstood, illusive and hard to navigate.
Now, I’m not claiming to be the expert on all things LGBTQi, although I have lived through my own experiences. I can recognise I am on a never ending quest of discovery and understanding about Queer culture and will make mistakes along the way. However, these are the most FAQ I have received over the years so I thought I would spend today dissecting them, jump in!
U-Hauling. Yes. It is a pretty overheard joke that lesbians bring some sort of moving vehicle to the second if not their first date. This is not a joke or a drill and even I am not immune to this ridiculous series of events. I wish I could give you a reason that made sense but all it really comes back to is emotions. We get so caught up in the lusty, exciting stage of a relationship that we jump head first into signing leases, buying houses, popping off the RSPCA to adopt a fur child and then inevitably searching for sperm donors online.
For some reason, instead of just enjoying the mysterious stage of new connections, we start to feel like our relationships lack validation without joint bank accounts and commitment ceremonies. You can’t do anything but laugh really. It’s the hopeless romantic in all of us that throws the word ‘love’ around and it also means we find ourselves experiencing heartache more often than not. I’d like to say I’ve grown out of it but I probably haven’t.
Which one of you is the man? Look, role-playing is fun but unless I am in a relationship or sexual encounter with someone who identifies as male – neither of us is the man. I hate to burst your heteronormative bubble but that’s kind of the point. Even if one, both or multiple parties in a relationship appear more masculine than another… it still doesn’t mean that one is ‘the man’. This question has way more to do with you trying to understand control and purpose in our relationships. Just quietly, this is super sad because people should be autonomous and not owned or dictated by anyone else, male or female.
Strap-Ons. Some people like them, some people don’t. Some find them to be a imperative part of their sexual and/or gender expression. For me, mostly, they just get in the way and although you’re now finding your self making sweet, sweet love with your hands free, it just isn’t my thing
My brother recently admitted to entering my room a few years ago and finding a bright purple strap-on next to a jar of Nutella. My entire family had been holding onto this hilarious secret for years; just discussing it amongst themselves without ever asking or mentioning it to me. Let me set the record straight. Never have I ever used Nutella as a lubricant. I’m not ashamed, if it was the case, I’d tell you but It was just a coincidence. I swear.
Dressing like dudes. Repeat after me. Clothes do not determine your gender or identity. I’ve been through many different fashion phases and although I have felt more masculine in some than others, I’ve always felt like a woman. The fun thing about fashion is that you can wear whatever you want. There are no rules. Celebrating your identity by exploring different fashion trends can be liberating, should you choose to do so.
I can almost guarantee that when you got dressed this morning, you put on something that made you feel good and ready to face the world. It’s the same thing for us. Nothing to see here.
Will you have a threesome with me and my boyfriend? Me personally? No. Probably not. I’m not interested in having a threesome with you and your girlfriend either. In reality, I’m just a terrible sharer. An insane ego coupled with the fact that I am not a fan of feeling like an experiment to spice up your life and you should just call me Simon Cowell, because it’s a no from me.
Sleeping with your friends. Apparently people seem to assume that it is impossible to just ‘be friends’ with another woman who happens to be into women as well. This is a pile of steaming horse shit; absolute lies. I have many queer friends that I have not and would never dream of sleeping with. I have though and probably will again but I won’t say everyone has done it, though I suspect this is the case… Fucking your friends can quickly go from a dream to a nightmare so proceed with caution.
But, don’t you want kids? As with everything in life – some do, some don’t but spoiler alert, having children is not determined by our sexuality or identity. This question is the one that frustrates me the most because you are assuming that because I don’t have a penis in my life sexually, I am suddenly not interested in creating a family. You would be wrong. Next question.
Are you gay because you hate men? Yes. I drink my coffee every morning with a splash of male tears and spend my nights on a crusade across the city killing and destroying every man I see. What sort of question is that?? Just for the record, there are plenty of men in my life that I adore so this may seem bizarre but follow me if you can, my sexuality has nothing do to with some kind of hatred of cis men. It does however have an awful lot to do with my love of vagina and the humans who have one; male identifying or not.
Being friends with Ex’s. Oh this. I think I may be the exception to this rule BUT I have watched so many of my friends remain super close to their ex’s. It is dangerous territory but when you’ve shared a connection with someone and you have loved them in some capacity why wouldn’t you want to remain friends? Unless they were abusive, manipulative, deceitful or just an absolute asshole, being friends can be fun. Just do yourselves a favour and try not to flirt or fuck anymore because this will only end in tears.
Queer sex isn’t real sex. Oh, okay; you are entitled to your wrong opinion. Contrary to popular belief, we don’t just spend all our time staring into each others eyes and reciting slam poetry while periodically taking breaks to scissor. Sex is different for everyone and maybe that does it for you, I harbour absolutely no judgement. Every human is fundamentally different. It shouldn’t be difficult to recognise that every time you are intimate with someone new, the experience will be fundamentally different too.
Sometimes it can be soft and loving, sometimes hard and rough. Sometimes sex is a 12 hour marathon in every room of the house, stopping only for Gatorade and a cigarette. No, you’re right… it doesn’t look like it does in porn. Let’s be real though, ‘straight’ sex doesn’t look exactly like porn either.
In reality, consensual sex is real, raw, funny, dirty, sexy, fun and messy. Obviously, it is just as much about the connection as it is the physicality of it all and I imagine that is the same for everyone regardless of sexuality. Unless you and I are currently exploring each other sexually, how and what I do is none of your business. Stop thinking about it; it’s weird.
I hope this special edition of Q&A has enlightened you and has helped ease your insatiable curiosity about this particular Queer woman’s perspective. If you happen to feel the need to engage in conversation with your friendly neighbourhood lesbian* about these or any other topics, be a babe and bring them up respectfully and in a suitable environment. This may mean that they will be more inclined to want to be open to share their thoughts with you. They also may not want to discuss them with you at all. Just remember, it is their choice.
Just do me a favour and stop fetishising our relationships because despite what you may have been taught to believe, we aren’t here for your amusement or to be sexually exploited. We are all just people, experiencing life and trying to live our truth. Yes, we are all fundamentally different and this is great but there is nothing abnormal or weird about how we love. We’re the same as you. Just searching for a safe place to fall.
Artist credit: Adrian Doyle.