I love myself sick.

Let me set the scene. I was at a weekly wine night with my fellow weirdo’s a few weeks back when I was thrown into the midst of an awkward yet brave conversation surrounding first impressions. It has always been really interesting to me to discover how people perceive my personality and whether I am projecting my true and authentic self out into the world.

To my (initial and yet no longer present) surprise, I was described as being a braggart.

A person who boasts about their achievements or possessions.
Synonyms: boaster, bragger, show-off, blusterer, trumpeter, swaggerer, poser, peacock, egotist, self-publicist.
Now, at the time, I was feeling a little butt-hurt, I’m not going to lie. I found myself thinking, am I really that person who loves themselves so much that they are happy to go on and on and on about themselves to the point where people are embarrassed for and by you? Have I become Kanye West?
Almost as quickly as I was affected by this raw and honest comment, I remembered just how fucking great I am and all was well in the world again.
Surely it is okay to be your own cheerleader, to celebrate your wins and to acknowledge the things you’re good at publicly. Why, as a society do we feel the need to negatively call out the people who can recognise their own strengths as egotistical maniacs while also trying trying to teach the importance of self love and care? Or as I suspect, is it only men who are allowed to be visibly proud of their accomplishments and talents?
So, without further ado, here is the list of the things I am good at. The things I will continue to be proud, loud and unashamed of.
  1. This bitch can cook. A roast, sweets, baking, pasta, whatever it is. Yes, there have been fails in my kitchen but for the most part I’m practically a 5 star chef.
  2. I know a shit tonne of useless facts about celebrities. I could and should actually look into going on to a game show surrounding pop culture.
  3. I give phenomenal head. It’s just a fact, 10/10 women agree. Ask them yourself.
  4. I am an actual genius when it comes to capturing, editing and publishing my own face on Instagram. It’s all about angles, lighting and a great subject… Selfies. Are. Life.
  5. I am an A grade online detective. I don’t condone stalking but when you’ve got to know something, I’m your gal.
  6. I am a bargain hunter. Thrift stores are my one true love. If there is a hidden gem, I’ll find it. I must just have a nose for it. You can call me the one woman version of Antique Roadshow.
  7. Babies and children LOVE me. It could be the boobs, it could be my insane ability to morph into a nurturing mother duck at any given moment, either way, I was put on this planet to be fabulous and hold babies.
  8. I have the gift of the gab. People, no matter how long I’ve known them will open up to me as if I am Gandhi. Secrets, passions, advice. I really ought to start charging a fee.
  9. I could sell ice to actual Eskimo’s. Selling things is what I do. Idea’s, phones, myself, it’s all the same really.
  10. I have the voice of a goddamn angel. Granted, an angel that has possibly smoked one too many cigarettes but they opportunities are endless. I could be a phone sex operator, I could be a recording artist. Or, I could just continue to send voice memo’s to my friends and have them tell me how great I sound during my rendition of “All That Jazz”
  11. After living in and moving out of 27 houses in 26 years, I have become a packing ninja. Speed, endurance and skill. I have everything it takes to pack my life into boxes at a moments notice.
  12. Make-up. A year ago my eyebrows looked like two mismatched, too dark for my face, fully over done, completely ludicrous lines on my face. Now, I have perfected the art of pretending I have full luscious forehead moustaches and for that… I will be forever thankful. Also, I finally have cheekbones with thanks to my old mate contouring so, cheers – I can’t do it alone.
  13. I’m great at spending money on the real necessities like Lush bath bombs, linen and extravagant floral arrangements and then wondering where all my money has gone.
  14. I am super wonderful at being honest, open, asking for what I want and not taking any bullshit.

So, yeah… It is okay to channel Kanye West. It is 100% okay to be proud of your talents and to talk about them with passion and a grin from ear to ear. It is okay to not take yourself and everyone else so seriously and have an actual laugh and your own expense. It is so okay to brag about how much of a unicorn you are because it really is true that you cannot possibly know, share and grow in love until you love yourself.

Love, P.




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