Don’t worry guys, I’m still over here floating along on a cloud of fairy floss and sipping on the sweet nectar of bliss. It’s just that I’ve really been thinking about the little things this week – you know the ones that we’re not supposed to stress about? Yeah those.
It’s way healthier to just get it all out in the open and stop bottling it up right? So here we go…The way people in their 20’s now feel that Smashed Avo on toast is the reason we don’t own houses. Wrong. We don’t own houses because we’re shit at saving. We could also be more interested in traveling the world and figuring out who we are. Or perhaps we just aren’t interested in having mortgages because we have a proper fear of commitment based on all the times our parents were consistently weeping with regret when we were growing up.
Offensive smells on public transport and just in life, in general. If you are going to be squished into a very tight space with a bunch of humans you don’t know, have a fucking shower. Actually, scrap that. You should be showering either way. Hygiene is important. You don’t have to spend a small fortune at LUSH to not offend my nostrils while I’m stuck in your pit on the train. This adulting bullshit is getting real old now. Is anyone else up for packing the essentials like snacks and toiletries to fuck off to the rainforest? We’ll live in a tree house and grow all our own food so we don’t have to interact with stupid people or pay bills.
People who move/speak at a glacial pace. I’ve got shit to do Beatrice, please spit out what you’re trying to say OR at least watch where you are walking as you reenact a scene from David Attenborough’s ‘Sloth Life’.
Rude people. You know the ones you see walking down the street scoffing and scowling at every person who doesn’t look or dress just like they do? Or the ones that have nothing nice to say about anyone ever? Yeah. I don’t like you very much because you are not very nice.My natural eyebrows. WHY WASN’T I BLESSED WITH PERFECT BROWS THAT DON’T RUB OFF WHILE I SLEEP? I really should look into tattooing or a sharpie would be cheaper and certainly less painful.
My never ending pile of washing. That’s it really. I just wish the washing would do itself. When my coffee goes cold. Every single morning I get a coffee and every single morning it is too hot to drink so I put it aside. I then get super busy at work and when I get a second to actually try to enjoy it, it’s too cold to drink. I. Am. Goldilocks.
My friends are so far away. Can you all come live in Melbourne? PLEASEEEEEE! I wanna hang out and do fun things like, take selfies and eat junk food with people who know what I look like without contouring and brows. Thanks.
Ghost followers. If you would like to know what I am eating, where I hang out or just have access to the best memes known to man, you can follow me on IG by clicking here. Or, alternatively you can stalk me secretly by not following and just going on my profile every day like a creep. We’re all guilty of it and trust me when I say, I’ve done my fair share BUT if you’re that interested in knowing my every move, just press the follow button. I don’t care if you’re the new girlfriend of my ex, my high school frienemy or an old asshole boss just know I can already see you checking in so you might as well say hi.Dog hair. I wear an awful lot of black. I am also the mother of a very spotty, very hairy dalmatian daughter Vada. I now wear a lot of clothes that used to be black and are now just covered in hair.
Facebook Memories. I get it! I have posted some weird shit on social media, made some very questionable public choices and some would go so far as to say I am the Queen the over share. I just don’t want to be reminded of how dumb I was on this day 6 years ago anymore. If only there was a way to turn off those notifications. Oh wait, I just realised there is. Well, I guess that is one less thing that is going to give me the shits going forward and I’d call that a win. Okay, so obviously I’m just taking the piss having a very long-winded whinge; these are all super first world problems. My real number one pet peeve is when people (including myself) can’t see how fucking lucky they are and spend all their time whining about all the things they don’t like or can’t change.
Obviously life is all about being real, honest and raw but at some point you just have to put on a happy song, dance out your dramas and stop sweating the small stuff. The world is a rough place sometimes but for the majority of us, it’s really just not that bad. So if Fireman Cam from the Bachelorette can maintain that glorious smile of his in the face of heartbreak, (because he knows it’s just reality TV and somewhere out there people are starving, dying and are stupid enough to vote for Trump), I think we can all just get the fuck on with not being bratty little assholes who constantly complain.