Hello, it’s me.

Let me start off by saying that I cried today. I cried real, raw, gritty tears of exhaustion, love and blessings. Now that the tears are gone, I am feeling on top of the world after securing tickets to see my home girl Adele when she tours Australia in March next year.

Words could never actually express the importance that her music has played in my life but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. As I sat in rain drenched traffic this afternoon on the way back from work I played through Adele’s first album 19. I was reminded of just how brave, catchy and fucking relatable it was and still is.

The entire album transports me to another time, a completely different, unrealized version of myself that I don’t even recognise anymore. There are tales of self discovery, self loathing and utter disruption of peace and knowing.

It took me right back to my first long-term relationship, looking through the photographs in my mind of my first real love, my first real heartache and the totally unrealistic notion that I would never meet anyone else willing or able to see me, feel me, love me.

Thinking back on that love I can see how toxic and controlling it was but in the moment, in my naivety, it seemed right. She was older than me but only just discovering herself and we spent the better part of 3 years pushing and pulling against each other. It was as wild and passionate as it was disastrous.

I was convinced that somehow it was healthy to torture each other instead of letting each other find a love that would calm, support and encourage the other.

‘First Love’ 

Forgive me first love, but I’m tired.
I need to get away to feel again.
Try to understand why,
don’t get so close to change my mind.
Please wipe that look out of your eyes,
it’s bribing me to doubt myself;
Simply, it’s tiring.

This love has dried up and stayed behind,
And if I stay I’ll be a lie
Then choke on words I’d always hide.
Excuse me first love, but we’re through.
I need to taste a kiss from someone new.

Forgive me first love, but I’m too tired.
I’m bored to say the least and I, I lack desire.
Forgive me first love.

This song gave me the courage to see just how dangerous and unsafe our relationship had become and how unrealistic it is to focus all of your energy on changing someone when it is clear how much of an impossible task that is.

Almost 7 years later I would reach out to her just as I was losing my Dad, a man she truly adored and even though she didn’t have to, she showed up. Meeting her gaze and knowing there was someone in that room who knew a younger version of myself so intimately that she knew exactly what to say was a relief. We talked as though no time had passed and I was finally able to let go of residual anger, resentment and heartache from my first love.

I have used this space to talk a lot about never dating anyone who was good, kind or true. The truth is, that isn’t the truth. I have been unconditionally loved, I have been loved so hard that I had no idea how to hold onto it without killing it like that unfortunate incident with the mouse and that large lad Lennie in ‘Of Mice and Men’.

‘Make You Feel My Love’

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

She was beautiful, funny and calming. Just the feeling of our intertwined bodies felt like the safest place on earth.
We’d binge watch crime shows and laugh at how white people couldn’t cook rice. We made promises of forever; just us two and ignored anyone who tried to stand in our way. I’d often sing this song to her while she was in the shower and feeling like the weight of the world was on her shoulders.
She knew exactly what I was thinking before I even thought it, wouldn’t ever judge me for wanting to steal asian babies every time we saw one and never once questioned how I could fall in love with every animal I ever laid eyes on. She thought I was funny, smart, silly and sexy.
This is the one time I know for sure that I fucked it up. Somewhere between not treating her right or forgetting to show her just how deeply she was loved and appreciated, I took her love for granted and wanted everything too soon. I felt as though I couldn’t wait for the life I dreamed of and inevitably pushed her away.
So many of the songs on ’21’ take me back to that relationship, a time when I held on so tightly to something I had already destroyed, because I didn’t want to see her with someone else. Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.
‘Remedy’
I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be
So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe
Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life
This ain’t easy, it’s not meant to be
Every story has its scars

When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy

 

No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you
Come whatever, I’ll be the shelter that won’t let the rain come through
Your love, it is my truth
And I will always love you
Love you

’25’ is one of the most crucial albums I’ve ever listened to. It pushed me out the other side of a shitty relationship, taught me how to navigate a brutal pity party and finally encouraged me to find strength in myself again.
Ultimately, this album reminded me of the strength you can find in friendship and how important it is to appreciate and love the ones who lift you up. My two closest friends – who just so happen to be coming with me to bliss out with Adele – may not live within shouting or walking distance but our love for one another transcends every barrier.
I know I can rely on them to hold me, love me and care for my heart even when I forget how to do it for myself, just as I do for them. We support, encourage and adore our differences of mind, heart and spirit and for that, I will be forever grateful. I will always love you.
Here’s to the music that shapes us, the songs that break us and the love that binds us together. Adele, you’re just like an old friend and we’re so ready for you.
Love, P.

 

2 thoughts on “Hello, it’s me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s