Just in case all the love hearts, pink streamers, Lindt chocolate, cookies, hallmark cards and stupidly oversized teddy bears didn’t give it away; it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow.
A day to forget our capitalism is showing while celebrating coupledom in the most vomit-inducing way publicly possible. A day that us single folk would rather ignore.
The Disney classics have been force-feeding me (and every other 90’s kid) a particular set of unrealistic and unachievable love goals since as far back as I can remember.
So, I thought we might take a moment to deconstruct some of the absolute ridiculousness that is these movies and marinate in my cynical singleness; if only for a day.
No, I think it’s safe to say you shouldn’t trust him Jasmine.
This is probably where my weakness for bad boys began. I mean the nerve of this guy. Finds a magic lamp, recreates his identity and then tricks Jasmine into believing he’s someone he’s not while promising to show her the world.
Meanwhile, even a tiger sees straight through his shit. Oh! Then he had the audacity to ask her if she trusts him!! Makes me want to kick him in his fancy drop crotch harem pants, every single time.
Of course in the end he’s a ‘good guy’ and she’s fallen in love already anyway so forgiving all of his lies is super easy and they live happily ever after. #standard
Beauty and The Beast
Ah Gaston, the original fuckboy.
Kanye of the Disney world if you will.
Rude, manipulating and self obsessed with a pinch of entitlement for pizazz. As a specimen yes, he’s intimidating and he’s got biceps to spare but he’s completely (I mean completely) covered in hair and Belle isn’t falling for his shit.
Hooray! So proud of you Belle.
Enter Beast stage right. He’s materialistic, spoilt, aggressive, unkind, also completely covered in hair and taking out his childhood trauma on a sweet old man and his beautiful daughter. Sure he’s been through a lot but how many times have us Beauty’s excused poor behavior with the promise of change?
Anyway, with the help of some sweet enchanted crockery and furniture Belle warms up to him, forgives him for EVERYTHING and falls in love. There’s snow and dancing so you know that romance is in the air. Are we sensing a theme here?
Lets first start off by mentioning that Cinderella is fucking gorgeous with and without the help of her fairy godmother, however, I get it girl.
You want to be fancy and get dressed up. You wanna be feelin’ yourself and that dress paired with your 90’s inspired choker is certainly one way to do it. I. Am. Living!
So, she trots off to the ball in a reimagined pumpkin and meets the Prince. They stare lovingly into each others eyes, dance and flirt and she’s living her fairy-tale realness until the clock strikes 12 and she loses a glass slipper.
How then, after hours of eye-fucking each other does he not know what she looks like?
Look, I know a great up-do is classy af but it doesn’t change your entire face! If you ask me, when a man can’t recognise you from your face alone, and is more interested in your shoes it sounds like he’s got a foot fetish and I’m not judging but I’d rather hang out with the singing mice.
Meets a stranger in the woods, doesn’t even ask his name and yet falls instantly in love.
Seems legit. Good one Briar Rose, you goose.
Yes, he’s handsome but you don’t know anything about this handsome dude in a turtleneck. He could be the absolute worst!
Then of course after limited communication, meddling fairy godmothers and a fight with a woman with some of the best brows in Disney history turned dragon; his kiss is the only thing that can save her from getting 100 years of beauty sleep.
Of course, because that’s how love works. Also, can we take a second to talk about consent? I mean, she’s asleep ffs.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
I get you Snow. After running away from a woman who wants you killed because you’re a total babe, you find a little cottage and try to start all over again. That’s a feeling we can all relate to, right?
So cutesy red lips, you’re a nurturer and looking after those cutie patooties feels totes natural and normal but they should be doing it for themselves instead of living in a pig sty.
You did kinda break into their house though and you’re staying rent free so, look at you being a great house guest.
Cue meeting the Prince for a hot second and falling in love.
THEN AGAIN WITH THE CONSENT! What’s the deal with all these Prince Charming types who insist on getting all up in the Princess’ personal space while they’re asleep or dead?
Not cool Disney boys. Not cool at all.
Anna falls in love with that douchebag Prince Hans – because of course she does. (To be fair, he’s very charming and hot hot hot!)
Then, that guy is a jerk – because of course he is.
Then, she ends up with the lovable goof who has been by her side all movie because, duh!
Elsa on the other hand is my Disney idol because she’s a little crabby, absolutely stunning in her RuPaul standard silhouette and would rather be in a beautiful home that she decorated herself without having to deal with other people because people suck.
Same, Elsa. Same.
The Little Mermaid
Ahh, my favourite. I certainly saved the best til last.
The 16 year old, beautiful little hoarder that she is catches ONE glimpse of a tall, dark, handsome prince and swaps her voice for legs so that she can get her fishy ass out of the ocean and kiss the boy. Girl. You’re a mermaid. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. ARE. YOU. DOING?!!!
Of course, when she finally gets to the shore, Prince Eric doesn’t even recognise her because she can’t sing or speak anymore. Eric, I know you’ve bumped your head mate but this is just stupid! It’s clearly the same girl.
Ursula comes out of the sea and becomes heaps thinner than she was before; teaching girls everywhere that you’ve got to cut out the Ben and Jerry’s and let go of your mauve skin to land the man. **SARCASM – FUCK INTERNALISED FAT SHAMING BEHAVIOUR!!**
Just in the nick of time, Ariel gets her voice back and Eric realises it’s her he’s been in love with all along. This guy needs to just be a guest judge on the Voice or something. That’s all he obviously cares about.
Anyway, Ariel swapped her family, her friends and everything she knows to be with some guy who can’t even recognise a difference in hair colour. I hope you realise, he’s never going to notice after you’ve been to the salon, Ariel. So don’t cry to me later.
So there it is. The bibbidi bobbidi bullshit that is Disney films.
And, if tomorrow you don’t happen to find yourself waking up to a Prince Charming to call your own or a billion roses filling your entire house never fear, it’s all a crock of shit anyway and you’re perfectly capable of creating a fairy tale on your own!
PS. I am actually really happy for all of the loving couples out there who go out of their way to make their person feel special. If you take capitalism out of it, I actually really love what today represents.
I just hope you’re showing love and receiving love all year round.