So, I got back on Tinder. I know I said I was going to leave the online world alone and focus on IRL interactions but it was just so easy to swipe your way to satisfaction, or so I thought.
In my humble quest for some summer lovin’ of my own, I came across a few very interesting characters on ‘the apps’. As it turns out, this little Rizzo has had some (more) thoughts while trying to sort the Dannys from the Eugenes.
Look, I don’t claim to know everything there is to know about online dating, clearly – because I’m single. I’m just a thirsty Cancerian with a healthy nurturer complex so why not use some of the knowledge I’ve acquired through more ‘research’ than I would care to admit, to help those in need. People like you. So, buckle up babies, it’s time for a Tinder/Wapa/Grindr/POF/etc,etc,etc education.
Firstly, you’ll need a banging profile.
Choose a few pictures of yourself to highlight things that are important to you. Hobbies, dogs, Ru Paul etc. Remember; Tinder is – unfortunately – very shallow and you only have a few moments to make a decent first impression before you and your profile end up in a pile of left swiped sadness. Mix it up, find pictures that makes you feel beautiful; whatever that means to you.
Oh and please attach your IG account to your profile. It makes stalking you easier and it makes swiping left really easy when we come across your sedated tiger pics from one of your 15 trips to Bali.
Also, take some time to think of a bio that includes 3 things; what you’re looking for, what your relationship status is and something fun to encourage a spark in conversation. You can’t be all sad panda when the babes you’ve matched with have nothing to say other than “Hi” if neither of you have made an effort to get the ball rolling.
Okay! Now that you’ve made a great profile and you’re starting to swipe left & right, keep a look-out for the following creatures lurking and waiting to pounce. You can’t say you haven’t been warned.
The plain, stale white bread, interests include ‘friends, family, fitness, travel’ types often holding sedated tigers. Swipe left. Just do it. You’re welcome. Next.
The ones who have replaced the words in their bio with a collection of nonsensical emoji’s. You know how you wouldn’t (shouldn’t) sleep with someone if you went back to their place and they didn’t have any books? This is the new that, trust me.
Those super attractive, charming and seemingly perfect humans who lure you in with their beautiful eyes and are ‘ just looking for friends’. Sometimes they make that super clear on their profile to begin with and sometimes they really super don’t. Either way, they are not your tall drink of water and they will not be quenching your thirst. Forget about it! You’ve made a friend. Congratulations! P.S Some of the best humans I’ve ever met were a direct result of a thirsty swipe session but are now some of my closest friends, it’s not a bad deal.
The Oversharer. Someone who, within 10 minutes of matching with them has answered the simple, ‘How are you?’ with a 100 page essay about every ex they’ve ever had, their elderly parrot and a well thought out Top 10 list of local Granola brands.
The ones who are out of bounds. I couldn’t tell you how many times I have swiped past people who are off limits on account of ‘girl code’. I know it might sound odd in Queer land but you don’t actually need to recycle lovers. If you’ve dated my mates, I can’t (read: shouldn’t) bone you. Please don’t confuse that with me not wanting to. You’re a babe, I swear. Seriously, I wish I could. I just can’t. Or could I…? No.
The babes with a very healthy appreciation of what Tinder is actually for, which is bonking. Meaning they only message you at 3am with a ”wyd?”. Don’t bother trying to make small talk or attempting to invite them for coffee; they’re not interested.
The ones that want to chat forever and never meet up. Look, if I was looking for a pen pal, I’d write to an inmate. At least they would have more interesting things to talk about. You feel me? Stop wasting my time and maybe just stop replying if you’re not interested – like the rest of us. Maybe I should actually start writing to inmates instead.
Those cheeky little tricksters who post 5 group photos and expect you to be able to just ‘connect’ with which one they are. Look, I love a challenge but come on… which one are you!?!
The couple trying to spice up their relationship by inviting a third. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Except that I’m a bit of a greedy lover and tend to not be that interested in sharing. So, no thanks?
The ones you’ve already slept with. There should be a way of filtering out ex’s or your ex’s ex’s. It just has the tendency to be awks x a gazillion when you see them recycling photo’s you took for/of them as their profile pictures. We’ve all been there. Right?
The ones that get severely butthurt when you’re not interested and follow you around to every other app and social media platform and bar to tell you just how shitty you are as a person because you don’t want to get naked and bump your privates together.
Anyyyyyway! So, you’ve managed to get some flirty chats happening and made a lusty connection; it’s time to meet said human for the dates/sex! Now you’ve only got to remember a few things…
- Be upfront and honest about your expectations and your hard limits so that you remove most of the stress of someone winding up disappointed or worse, hurt.
- Be safe. Tell a friend where you’re going, make an exit strategy and communicate about your sexual health and best practises; whatever that means for you.
- Try not to stress about the fact that IRL they will see you from angles other than your favourite selfie pose. Human beings are not photographs. Every(body) is beautiful.
If it works out, great! I’ll take allllll the credit. If not? Rinse and repeat.
Or do what I’m currently doing. Throw your toys out of the pram, delete all the apps and take a vow of celibacy because you’ve developed carpal tunnel from excessive swiping and you’ve managed to turn all your matches into mates even though you’re just really looking for someone to bonk. Yeah look, Tinder doesn’t feel super fun right now and I’m a little fragile. I think all I really need is a Hitachi Wand.