The thing about giving access to your life so openly online is that sometimes, you end up forgetting which parts to keep for yourself.
This blog has become somewhat of its own character in the story that is my life and she has taken on many different forms over the last 12 months.
I’ve realised things very publicly about my ability to separate my heart and head – albeit inability and I managed to piss off the peanut gallery, the Cliterati and the closeted bigots more than a few times.
Followers and Facebook ‘friends’ dropped off like flies when I started writing about things that were as uncomfortable to read as they were to write.
I also found myself in countless arguments with keyboard warriors about what Feminism means, the reality that is public restrooms for our trans brothers and sisters and why it’s okay to say fuck it, I don’t want to write today.
After 40 posts touching on relationships, breakups, missing my favourite people, trying to smash the patriarchy and the loss of my beautiful Dad it dawned on me in over the past few weeks that I’ve spent an awful lot of time focused on my history.
In doing so, I’ve romanticized my past in a way that has stopped me from letting go of the bits that don’t feel good but I’m too scared to lose.
This post might not necessarily be what you were expecting but it is certainly what I need.
At some point I have to refocus my energy on things that serve positivity into my life instead of just talking about it over and over and not changing a thing.
Over the next 6 months I am setting out real and achievable goals. Goals that will hopefully open me up to the opportunities I am searching for but have never been ready to believe that I am deserving of receiving.
For far too long I’ve held on to friendships with people who don’t respect my time, my generosity, my openness and my willingness to forgive.
I’ve also held on to friendships with people who I’ve hurt out of guilt to serve as punishment for my own shitty behaviour.
It’s never easy to close yourself off to people who at some point or another you held with such love but I’m not going to make excuses for them or myself anymore.
Communication has become commenting on Facebook statuses and feeling the pressure of double tapping every picture you come across on Instagram.
We unfollow people on social media but remain ‘friends’ to keep the peace and continue to check in because #FOMO is real.
Cancelling, rescheduling and pushing hangouts, phone calls and actual time connecting with each other on a deeper level to make way for our own egos and to search for opportunities that actually hold us up.
Everyone is busy. The truth is, if we truly wanted to make time for someone we would.
I am so guilty of silently punishing myself and others for moments in time that we can’t take back.
Starting today, I let go of those moments and those friendships and start anew. Please know I have love for you but I have no interest in facilitating connections that feel one-sided, built on a foundation of trauma and hurt or constantly make us second guess our place in each others lives.
I will no longer harbour resentment or obsess over every post or word. Why would I, when it is much easier to call it how we see it and walk away with light and love for a connection that no longer fills us up.
Promising to quit smoking is such a pathetic excuse for a goal, especially when I just lit up.
The truth is I love smoking – I shouldn’t, but I really, really do. Until I’m ready to let go of truly one of the only vices I have left; I’m not going to pretend or set myself up for failure.
I am committed however to making the full conversion to being Vegetarian. To cutting fast food entirely out of my diet and to limit my sugar intake.
I have no interest in being a gym rat or running marathons but I would really like to have more energy, less self-doubt and more confidence in this skin I’ve been given.
What use is a life if you’re spending the entire time fighting with your own body? I say that I love every curve, every stretch mark and every bump on my thighs but in reality I secretly harbour such deeply ingrained body shame while continuing to lift up and recognise the beauty in every other body but my own.
This contradiction I’m living while suffering through an addiction to foods that don’t nourish my soul and exist purely to challenge the way I feel about myself is my way of creating a shield between me and rejection, heartbreak and acceptance.
Recognising that I am repeating behaviours I have watched the women in my life struggle with feels like defeat.
I know it doesn’t have to be this way, that I have the ability, determination and strength to create real change in my life and even though I’ve failed a thousand times, I have to believe this is the time I won’t.
For as long as I can remember, I have placed so much of my time and energy into finding validation within how attractive I am perceived to be by others. It truly never occurred to me that I am searching for my own self acceptance and love through the touch of humans who have barely scratched the surface of who I really am.
I go searching for connections that I know will leave me empty and run from things that feel so good it’s scary.
The fear of loss and abandonment is so strong that I would rather run first because I remain in control.
Heartbroken by all the could, should and would have experiences but by choice.
Knowing what I know about obsessively swiping for matches to fill a void that I only feel on account of my relationship with myself seems incredibly sad.
Using sex as leverage for my emotional crutch hasn’t provided very many success stories and something needed to change.
The only thing I’ve never tried is proactively limiting sex as a part of my daily life and searching for what it means to truly connect with the parts of myself that I tend to hide behind my sassy rhetoric and search for my next orgasm.
I hope that in removing the one thing that tends to cloud my judgement, devalue my existence to only being a walking, talking pussy with boobs and creates more confusion than it offers clarity, I can find focus.
My focus has to be on myself right now. On figuring out my next steps, on making better choices and on placing more value on who I am than what I do.
It has taken a lot of courage to share these super personal and real thoughts with you since my very first post “But you don’t look like a lesbian.”.
I thank you for being so open to hearing me, to seeing and for encouraging my unique brand of crazy while ignoring typo’s and some poor grammar and questionable sentence structure.
Here’s to 12 more months of blogs; to learning, growing, accepting, encouraging and supporting one another. To creating a safe space to share, to be heard and to remain open to always offering our most frightening truths.
Here’s to us.