It’s the number one question I am asked about my little slice of the internet; ‘Will I make it into the blog?’
Every conversation I’ve ever had could find its way into something that I write at some point or another, so it is actually super possible.
I may eventually end up writing a scathing review of your non-existent cunnilingus skills, or I might choose to dissect your shitty behaviour publicly or offer a running commentary on your blatant disregard or respect for other human beings; their time or boundaries.
Or, I could write about things that I would want to read, things that aren’t so fucking negative and don’t offer more space or time to those who don’t deserve it; those who are hoping for it.
Instead, I’m going to share with you the top 15 reasons why having a dog is better than being in a relationship. Because, dogs are (obviously) life and it’s about time I put my spotty baby on display.
Dogs don’t call you at 3am off their face, begging you to pick them up from the club. They also aren’t going make you hold their hair back while they puke all over your good linen.
You never have to have arguments over who is paying. Dogs don’t have wallets, or trust funds, or access to their own allowance. Dogs have absolutely no concept of money and to be honest, I’m kinda glad.
Dogs are always excited to see you. Tail wagging, booty shaking, an accidental excited wee, it’s all part of the fun. Which (just quietly) is the reaction I will be expecting from any human I interact with from now on.
The dog isn’t going to care if you watch re-runs of old 90s sitcoms and are on your phone the entire time. They couldn’t care less if you fall asleep during the movie or if you binge watch your new favourite show without them. They only care about pats, noms and walkies. TV is irrelevant.
Dogs don’t pretend to be interested in you, shower you with kisses and love or attention only to then disappear without a trace; on purpose. Woofers couldn’t ghost someone if they tried. They know the calibre of your love and aren’t stupid boob heads. You have the food and the lead, sure it’s manipulation at its finest but hey, ain’t that love?
You won’t ever experience a dog talking shit about you to their friends. Well, maybe you could if you spoke Dalmatian or Doberman but I don’t, so ignorance is in fact, total fucking bliss.
You can tell your dog they stink like actual shit and they won’t be offended. I tell my dog she is on the pong quite regularly and she replies by breathing her death breath all over my face through the biggest smile you’ve ever seen.
Dogs can sense when you’re not okay and instead of forcing you to talk about it, they just lay quietly beside you and keep you warm while you figure your shit out like a grown up adult human.
Canine companions never complain about your cooking. They don’t have Gordon Ramsey complexes and would never suggest it would be taste better with more seasoning or less of whatever the fuck people complain about being in their food. They’re just happy you’re sharing.
Your dog won’t get embarrassed when you’re singing off-key with the windows down as you drive to the beach. They also don’t care if your clothes don’t match, and they won’t make fun of how uneven your eyebrows are before you paint them on.
Dogs don’t demand closet space, they never leave the toilet seat up and under no circumstances will your dog finish off the last of the vegemite only to put the empty jar back in the cupboard.
Our four-legged friends also don’t take everything you say, file it away in a special place and bring it back out again to rub salt in your wounds, make a point, start a fight or to be hurtful/spiteful. They’ve moved on. There’s probably a message there.
You think your dog cares if you haven’t shaved your legs, plucked that stray chin hair or if you have severe morning breath? That’s right, they don’t. I fucking love that about dogs.
Doggos are the real MVP’s of unconditional love and won’t ever be mad at you. Even when you’re an asshole and even when you probably don’t deserve it. When you’re grumpy, tired or annoyed. Even when you’ve forgotten to take the rubbish out or still haven’t responded to a text from 5 days ago. They literally don’t care. Dogs are chill af.
There’s no way a dog would ever point out your flaws. So you can rest easy knowing that your little snuggle buddie won’t be engaging in any body shaming. They also aren’t going to invalidate your feelings and they have no interest in fighting with you about meaningless shit. #ahhhhtherelief
If you’re lucky, you have a dog like mine and life is good.
It’s okay that Vada takes up the entire bed. I can’t even be mad when she leaves occasional poop presents in the lounge room and im not even going to question why she has started to drink out of the toilet instead of her own bowl.
I’d be lying if I said she doesn’t test my patience when she wakes me up in the middle of most nights to pee, barks at strangers on the street, or refuses to enjoy being dressed up as a unicorn. It’s a crying shame, but I love her.
As it turns out, that spotty dog has had to be intoduced to NA after consuming a magical mystery brownie recently but I’d still rather hang out with our silly dog than be in a relationship with any person. Truly.
I mean look how regal that bitch is.
Which brings me to my point really. My platonic, non sexual, co-parenting life partner and I have been talking, and it has become clear to us that every problem on the planet can be solved with dogs; we just thought you should know.
We also thought you should know that the only thing wrong with our dog situation currently is that Vada is the only doggo we have soooo we’re on the hunt for a new baby.
Look, we’re just so done with humans. So, if you’re looking for us, we’ll be at the dog beach.