Normally I would prefer matching on some stupid app, getting to know you over the course of a few weeks and then acting surprised when you admit to still being in love with the ex you haven’t stopped talking about but I’ve had just about enough of that bullshit, if we’re being honest.
So, in an attempt to save some time and point future lovers in the right direction, I’m updating my relationship CV. The way I look at it, this is a way of weeding out the unavailable, unstable or completely deranged. As it turns out, I’ve been holding a glowing neon sign, advertising for all of the above.
Before we begin, just like Bridget Jones (every single girls idol) I am not accepting applications from the following; alcoholics, drug addicts, racists, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits, freeloaders and perverts. Actually, I’ve changed my mind about the perverts. Giddy up!
Additionally, to qualify for an interview you should know the following; I am attracted to butch of centre humans identifying as female, male and non binary. In a relationship I am strictly monogamous and have no interest in being a second, third or fourth choice.
The humans I’m most attracted to are respectful, honest, know who they are, exude confidence and know their own worth. They are strong, make me laugh and have all their own interests.
In case you didn’t know, I have a larger than usual personality, intricate politics and more than my fair share of opinions so it would be preferred if you could at least try to challenge me intellectually, sexually and or politically. Basically, know how to have a stimulating conversation and for the love of Ru Paul, please don’t be beige as fuck.
Thick as fuck femme queer woman in her late twenties looking for absolutely none of your bullshit. Interested in finding human companionship* with a like minded individual who is both no longer in love with their ex and identifies as (mostly) emotionally stable. Not searching for someone to ‘complete me’ as I exist as a fully functioning adult human with my own thoughts and feelings which means I can entertain myself and often prefer to. You should have your own hobbies, friends and source of income.
*All the things I cannot do with my platonic life partner Brodie. Including, but not limited to; naked snugs, sexy times, making out, and dates of any kind.
Intersectional feminism, dogs, Netflix, pastel, dark humour, reality tv, creativity, musicians, quick decision making, old coins, street art, hot showers, powdered chai, babies, black jeans, brownies, reliability, diner foods, taking selfies, mushrooms, theatre, crime documentaries, biographies, gifs, debating queer politics with bigots, flavoured tea, snugs, strong female leads, puzzles, all day pancakes, brunch, online shopping, fucking, make-up, youtube tutorials, Drag Queens, peonies, live gigs, cheap wine and pear flavoured Jelly Belly jelly beans.
Slow walkers, shit drivers, cottage cheese, average sex, slut shaming, selfishness, beige or boring humans, abuse, bad listeners, surprises, body shaming, anyone who refuses to acknowledge their privilege,Jägermeister, the patriarchy, chocolate ice-cream, nuts, biting, inconsistency, shit coffee, loud chewers, noisy morning people, feeling suffocated, humans who obsess over things they can’t change, dishonesty, fuckboys, misogyny, dog hair on black clothing, humidity, cleaning beauty blenders and women who tear down other women.
Body positive, self assured, powerful shower singer, cute sneezer, snorer, proficient in baking, dog person, confident, thoughtful, annoying, limited patience, flirtatious, experienced sim house architect, doesn’t have a head for hats, can get ready in under half an hour, creates 10/10 sex playlists, recovering lush bath product addict, can quote every line from Mean Girls, always has nice bedding, knows where the best brunch spots are, supports other women, can make the most out out a shitty situation, kind hearted, passionate, understanding, fierce, loyal, intelligent, loving, motivated, no filter, warm sleeper, great kisser, insatiable, well travelled, sweet natured, grudge holder, great memory, uncanny gut feelings, and has impeccable online stalking skills.
With 2 long term relationships under my belt and most of the underlying baggage already worked through, I successfully maintain great and healthy friendships with most people I have been connected to. Thankfully, I have only been blocked/deleted on social media by 3 old flames and I pride myself on my ability to react well when meeting the new girlfriends or boyfriends of my ex’s Additionally, I currently hold a 9/10 rating when meeting friends and family for the first time. I’ve seen a while bunch of shit and hardly anything surprises me anymore.
“You must have very low expectations if you would categorise our first interaction as a date.” – For the record, it certainly wasn’t a date however my expectations used to be pretty low and have since improved.
“I would highly recommend dating Phoenix but heartbreak sucks.”
“Firstly, you need to understand that she doesn’t need you. If you are there, it is because she wants you to be. Raw, honest, to the point and perfectly comfortable owning her own shit whether you like it or not.”
“Phoenix is hard work. However, she is passionate beyond belief, constantly looking at things in a different way, loves to the extent her head will allow and inspires you to be a better person.”
“10/10, would bang again.”
“Doesn’t look like she could ‘top’ but she can.” – Gay Ex-boyfriend.
There we have it, my new dating resume complete with references from old lovers and more information than you possibly ever even wanted about me. Fingers crossed this works better than all the apps, dates and stalker experiences I’ve had over the last few years and lets be honest, it can’t be worse than the last few months.
Just as an aside; I don’t NEED a girlfriend, boyfriend or non binary lover to be happy because, as we know, I’m super good on my own but it’s winter in Melbourne and it’s pretty fucking cold. So, what I could use is a semi regular big spoon who understands that spooning without a tit-grab is useless. You know, to get through the arctic weather we’re experiencing.
So, if you wanna be my lover, probably don’t get with my friends. Maybe just send me a message instead. Applications close when I meet someone I can stand for longer than 3 weeks.