7 year old me would be bursting at the seams right about now. Santa would have received my wish list months ago and I’d be so excited to unwrap my presents in a few days time.
I already knew he thought I was a ‘good girl’ of course, because he kept my presents under the stairs in my parents room from September onwards; super prepared he was.
17 year old me was stoked to have my first full time job around this time and feeling super relieved to know I could spend all my money on gifts!
Obviously at a time when I had no bills or responsibilities – lucky bitch.
Friends and drinking seemed more important than family that year and I thought I knew everything I could ever possibly know about life, love and myself – I was wrong.
At 27, I’m reflecting on the year that was in the middle of the Australian desert. Or at least trying to – while my uterus is attempting to kill me, the same way it has every month since I was 11.
Anyway, let’s get back on track.
There has been a real shift in the way I see the world this year; more specifically a shift in the way I see myself in the world.
I’ve come into my womanhood. Almost 30 (I love saying that) and I couldn’t be more proud, strong or fierce. I had been amazing to watch what I have achieved once I got out of my own way, began to stand in existence daily and pushed myself to be better and do better for myself and for those I love.
Something beautiful unfolds when you allow yourself the freedom to expand your mind.
To ask forgiveness from yourself for yourself and to truly start to let go of trauma that has tried to manifest itself repeatedly throughout your life.
This year I found a confidence I have never known. A deliciously divine expression of self love in the form of meditation, reflection, truth, sexuality and compassion for my mind, body and spirit.
I have discovered new and exciting parts of myself and learned so much more about the world through connection.
Finding ways to be present with myself, my lover and the earth in a way that has proven to make me accountable, in a raw, safe and real way.
When I think about this time last year, I’m able to see so clearly now how I was drowning in my grief.
I was so exhausted on account of trying to tread water through the hardest rips of my life; doing the best I could, but failing so beautifully.
12 months on and the most accurate word to describe how I feel is free.
I no longer worry about how my body may make other people feel. Or, more to the point, I don’t allow myself to have anything other than pure love and respect for this vessel I’ve been blessed with. Just as I am.
Life has become an adventure. I see every sunset as a blessing and I try not to exist so much inside my head while seeing the value in everyone and everything.
I’ve made a conscious effort to take a stand and be a voice for issues other than just my own and in doing so have learned just how full it feels to have others do the same for me.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve made some really incredibly stupid and selfish decisions this year and it’s not always easy to look for the good in people. It’s often harder again to find compassion for those who are struggling to show it to you and I’ll continue learning this lesson until it sticks.
I’m also trying to let go of more past trauma to make space for healthy and loving relationships.
Hopefully, this can aide in maintaining my sanity and provide shelter on the path to exploring deeper into my kinks – safely and with patience of course (more on that in a future post).
This year has blessed me with so many beautiful surprises. One of which is seeing a shift in the way my family connects with one another and the way they have welcomed my partner into our family so graciously.
I’ve also hit the family jackpot when it comes to the the way I have been so lovingly accepted into the homes and hearts of my partners family too.
I feel so grown up in the same way that I still feel like a complete child.
No longer trying to live my future today, is a lesson I’ve been learning for a while.
I’ve actually manage to let go of old dreams and dreams in turn, created new ones that serve me more – instead of dreams that I have been instructed to to work towards by society and the patriarchy.
I’ve stood my ground, held myself accountable and asked myself really hard questions. Found love, found myself and found beauty in the mystery of this life.
Even after all that – and it was a lot – the sting of loss is still real.
It’s hard to believe 2 years have gone by since we lost our favourite man, my Dad.
I try to celebrate his memory in ways that connect me to him these days though. Listening to old voicemails on my down days or looking at pictures of a time when we were all together instead of being hung up on the fact that he’s not here.
Of course it would be much easier to wallow in the depths each Christmas, intent on having a shit time.
It’s so fucking hard to miss someone who is never coming home for Christmas but he wouldn’t want that for us and neither do I.
I know the festive season can be a shitty time for some but it will continue to be shitty if that’s what you put out into the universe.
Thankfully, with some guidance from humans who truly know me, and want only the best for me – I’ve decided to only accept love into my safe space and encourage you to do the same.
So, put on your brightest lipstick, call someone who makes you smile, take a walk or visit people who are having a shittier time than you.
Maybe give to those who find themselves less fortunate, take time to meditate, stop over thinking or creating drama where there is none, pat a dog, eat an entire pavlova; do whatever you need to do!
Just don’t peek at your presents – even if they are unwrapped under the stairs in your parents room.
Why? Because the magic of this time of year exists in relationships, connectedness and spending time being grateful for what you have, what you’ve learned and for what is still to come – regardless of your spiritual beliefs. Oh, and presents are just a bonus.
If you’re feeling alone this Christmas, please know – you’re loved, you’re valid and you’re surrounded by community – should you wish to be – so just reach out.