Twenty Eight

It’s almost my birthday and as usual I’ve got some shit to unpack so I can avoid taking it with me on my next trip around the sun.

Why? Because excess baggage is unhealthy, unnecessary and pretty expensive. Plus, dealing with your shit is apparently all part of this adulting type deal so, there’s that.

I’ve found cathartic release in the process of writing a prelude to this whole birthday situation in the past and it’s also serves as a way to be thankful for the lessons the universe has provided to me.

In the interest of public safety, my sanity and good health I’ve decided there are 7 things I’m not taking with me into next year. Here goes.

1. Guilt

After many years of trying and failing to release close toxic relationships from my safe spaces, I’ve finally done it.

Understanding the importance of the love we receive, the love we accept and the love we deserve is easier when you realise it should be one in the same.

Just because you have love for someone doesn’t mean they are free from accountability and consequence.

We are who we are and sometimes disengagement is needed to find peace from the shackles of the memory of abuse.

Surprisingly, I also hold no more guilt for the removal of those who do not truly deserve to give or receive love from me.

Was it hard? Oh, yeah.

What is necessary? Abso-fucking-lutley.

2. Shame

Thankfully, I’ve worked really hard to ensure that I no longer resent this vessel I’ve been blessed to travel within. I finally actually believe that I am beautiful inside and out and that my body is worthy of love and acceptance.

Society and patriarchal views on traditional beauty may not always agree with me but I have found the freedom to let go of any internalised shame that once ravaged through me like a series of entangled metaphorical weeds.

I am uninhibited by my ability to connect with myself and my partner sexually, spiritually and emotionally to truly uncover and explore parts of myself I never knew existed.

3. Pressure

For the first time ever, I’m not trying to have it all figured out, I have no real concrete plan and it’s actually okay!

I’m certainly not killing myself trying to propel my life towards an imaginary set of goal posts that no longer serve my spiritual and mental wellbeing anymore either and that, my friends, is what relief feels like.

Making a conscious decision to navigate my own life with less expectations and more of an open and willing heart has fostered a sense of freedom that I never thought I’d actually enjoy.

4. Opinions

Real talk. Being fierce, strong and confident doesn’t make you immune to your response to other people’s thoughts or feelings towards you.

It hurts – hard – to feel as though you’ve been judged harshly or unfairly by people who have misunderstood who you are or what you’re about.

Now, if you’re anything like me the immediate emotional kick back curdles into resentment and defensiveness which only makes things worse.

My relationship, my choices and who I am as a person can not be weakened unless I allow seeds of doubt to be planted, watered, and maintained by shitty, no good green thumbs.

I refuse to let those who have shown little to no interest in truly understanding who I am to have such intense power over me or to dictate my happiness going forward.

5. Grudges

I offer up freely (and with pleasure) the burden of any draining, consuming or debilitating ill feelings towards those I have allowed to harbour in a slow brewing storm.

Truth is, I’m tired. Competing, comparing and trying to navigate and produce the narrative of someone else’s wounds while tending to your own is exhausting and serves no higher purpose.

A proverbial pissing contest has no winners. Also, the cleanup is messy af and only leaves you covered in the familiar feeling of knowing you could have gone to the bathroom (talked it out) like a grown up and avoided it all together.

I recognise that it’s bloody hard work to back down when our innate human response to be protective and defensive is on high alert but it’s a terribly unhealthy cycle.

So, this is me waving a white flag and reminding myself that strong women find space at the table for other strong women.

After all, we’ve got enough to deal with without worrying about the threat of an internal take down too.

6. Negativity

There is a silver lining in every asshole of a situation. Mistakes are lessons, heartbreak is a new beginning and loss is inevitable for growth.

Why would we ever be dismissive of the never ending cycle of re-evaluation and discovery on the road to fulfilment and healing?

I choose to release any resentment, negative energy and dark clouds of petty bullshit that have found their way into an otherwise protected safe space.

I am my own home and I offer a welcomed invitation to those who beam with light and positivity only.

7. Fear

My anxiety is fed a well balanced diet of past trauma, unreliable information and a solid fear of abandonment.

The knots in the pit of my stomach that I desperately wrestle are the result of years and years of being let down by people I trusted and the residual yuck that tends to leave behind.

I’m not afraid of the dark parts of myself anymore. I don’t hide them away out of embarrassment or fear that it would somehow make me less desirable or less worthy of being loved.

Sitting in your feelings for a minute is healthy and your emotions are only scary if they bubble away under the surface. So, instead I choose to show mercy to the broken bits of myself that I have rebuilt and live wildly in my vulnerability.

There you have it, the shit I’m leaving behind as I launch myself into my 28th year on earth.

I’m not going to wait two weeks to let it go though because by the time my birthday comes around, I will be well and truly climbing the walls from a drought – of sorts.

Don’t judge me, it will be 5 weeks between drinks (and by drinks I mean hot sex) with Bae so I’ll be less focused on birthday resolutions and more on climbing that delicious human like a tree.

Happy Birthday to me.

Love, P x

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