Well, who would have thought I’d be here again?
I thought I was done with dating, but turns out I still had lessons to learn and the universe wasn’t done so I got caught in a perpetual shit show and a storm of emotions.
Now that the sadness has lifted, I’m doing what any self respecting 20-something single gal is doing. I’m back on Tinder.
It’s been just over a 15 months since the last time I carefully wrote my last dating resume and I’m back, back, back again.
It may not have been the best idea to pop myself back on Tinder so quickly but it can’t feel any worse than I was feeling before strangers were feeding my ego with a right swipe so, I soldier on.
After 3ish weeks of communicating with said strangers all trying to impress me with their unsolicited dick pics and below average communication skills; I’ve officially grown tired of answering all the same questions over and over.
I’ve also realised that if they dug far enough into the depths of the internet they might find the first version of this post which has since become ever so slightly redundant and outdated.
People evolve, I’ve grown up and into myself – thanks to fuckboys, internal processing and heartbreak – so it seems only fair to update the resume before I receive any more applications to be my lover.
Thick as fuck Queer babe in her late(ish) twenties still looking for absolutely none of your bullshit.
Open to human companionship with ANY/ALL babes (not gender specific in any way – how progressive!) who know who they are and aren’t afraid to partner up or have sexy fun times with a strong, independent and fierce woman.
Bonus points for humans who wear dirty work boots on the daily (but know those boots stay at the front door), have big hands, capable of emotional maturity, are respectful and comfortable communicating openly.
Extra bonus points for tall(er than me), masculine and tattooed intellectuals who don’t pretend to be the big spoon but actually are.
New Non-Negotiables for Long Term Lovers
Kink oriented with proper understanding regarding importance of aftercare, similar family values; and wants children eventually. Must not be any of the following: afraid of commitment, living interstate, indecisive, incapable of compromise, have unhealthy boundaries with friends/family or have any level of emotional inconsistency.
Intersectional feminism, dogs, Netflix, dark humour, reality TV, creativity, musicians, quick decision making, old coins, BDSM, street art, hot showers, asian food, babies, black jeans, reliability, taking selfies, mushrooms, theatre, crime documentaries, biographies, gifs, parks, nature, sunshine, debating queer politics with bigots, cocktails, snugs, strong female leads, puzzles, all day pancakes, brunch, online shopping, fucking, make-up, YouTube tutorials, Drag Queens, live gigs, my Doxy, native Australian flowers, big dick energy and kindness.
Tuna, slow walkers, shit drivers, cottage cheese, average sex, heavy drinkers, slut shaming, selfishness, bad communicators, beige or boring humans, abuse, bad listeners, surprises, body shaming, anyone who refuses to acknowledge their privilege, Jägermeister, the patriarchy, chocolate ice-cream, people who believe their own bullshit, inconsistency, shit coffee, loud chewers, noisy morning people, unsolicited dick pics, whingers, dishonesty, fuckboys, misogyny, dog hair on black clothing, humidity, cleaning beauty blenders and women who tear down other women.
Body positive, self assured, powerful shower singer, cute sneezer, snorer, proficient in baking, dog person, confident, thoughtful, annoying, intuitive, empath, bratty sub, limited patience, flirtatious, experienced sim house architect, doesn’t have a head for hats, can get ready in under half an hour (but chooses not to), creates 10/10 sex playlists, relapsed lush bath product addict, can quote every line from Mean Girls, linen snob, tease, brunch queen, supports other women, can make the most out out a shitty situation, kind heart, passionate, understanding, fierce, loyal, intelligent, loving, motivated, no filter, can be jealous, warm sleeper, great kisser, insatiable, well traveled, sweet nature, grudge holder, great memory, uncanny gut feelings, and has impeccable online stalking skills.
Now with 3 long term relationships under my belt, I can say that I will not tolerate your bullshit. I am not your mother, I will not enable or accept shitty or poor behaviour (I will also call you out on it) and I have no interest in ‘fixing’ you.
I am self aware, self assured and invite only those who are the same into my space.
I don’t just know what I bring to the table, I am the fucking table and I am only interested in investing my time in people who feel the same way about themselves and can appreciate me for it too.
Thankfully, I have only been blocked/deleted on social media by 2 (make that 3) old flames and I pride myself on my ability to react well when meeting the new girlfriends or boyfriends of my ex’s if they didn’t cheat to get there. Additionally, I currently hold a 9/10 rating when meeting friends and family for the first time.
The best part is I’m open, real and won’t leave you guessing as to where you stand. I expect the same thing from you. It’s that simple.
“You must have very low expectations if you would categorise our first interaction as a date.” – For the record, it certainly wasn’t a date however my expectations used to be pretty low and have since improved (or at least I thought they had).
“I would highly recommend dating Phoenix but heartbreak sucks.”
“Firstly, you need to understand that she doesn’t need you. If you are there, it is because she wants you to be. Raw, honest, to the point and perfectly comfortable owning her own shit whether you like it or not.”
“Phoenix is hard work. However, she is passionate beyond belief, constantly looking at things in a different way and inspires you to be a better person.”
“10/10, would bang again.”
“New phone, who dis?”
“Doesn’t look like she could ‘top’ but she can.” – Gay Ex-boyfriend.
So, that leaves only 1 thing left to talk about.
I’m mostly talking to you CIS/Het men now… If you do manage to match with me, find me on Instagram or catch my eye in the street – don’t open the communication with a visual of your junk.
I know, I know, how boring!
Trust me, I’m not a prude (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) I’m just super bored of you using your dick as an introduction or opener.
I know I’m very sex positive and open about feeling sexually liberated online and in my real life but this doesn’t mean that I am somehow automatically disqualified from being spoken to and treated with respect.
Additionally, hearing about how horny I’ve made you, how big my tits are, how you want me to gag on your cock, how you’ve thought about me while you’ve been wanking or straight up asking when I’m going to fist your asshole at 11am makes me want to unmatch or block you (or walk in the opposite direction) if we haven’t had any other form of communication or conversation.
Also, chances are I’ve probably been talking about dicks, vaginas and sex all day at work – it’s just not going to peak my interest after 9 hours – sorry!
Sexy talk will come, if I’m into you. I’m pretty forward, so don’t worry – you don’t have to drive that conversation in the first 20 seconds.
You know what they say, good things come to those who don’t send unsolicited dick pics to cute af girls on the internet.
I’m a babe, I get it! But please, just chill and have something interesting to say!
Thinking you have what it takes and actually having what it takes are two very different things.
So, if you wanna be my lover (long term) you’ve now got an updated idea of what I’m searching for.
If you’ve got questions, I’ll answer them but if you’re not ticking boxes and you already know it – GTFO and don’t waste my time.
If you just want cute hangs and/or hookups, say so. I might be down for that too – just don’t be a creep or you’ll end up on my insta story with the rest of them.
Good luck and I’ll contact you if you’ve been successful moving through to the next stage of the recruitment process.
PS. Before you all fill my inbox with the um, since when were you sleeping with or attracted to cis men, or you aren’t Queer anymore if you’re riding the D-Train – save it.
I’m not interested in your internalised shame or ‘bi-phobia’. My Queer identity is still valid wether or not you agree or accept it/me.
I wanted to navigate an attraction to cis men, so I am. Enough said.