Vitamin D

After a 13 year drought from the peen, I’m back on the horse – so to speak.

People keep asking when I started to find myself attracted to doodles and to be honest, it’s a super hard question to answer – haha ‘hard’.

I’ve always found men aesthetically attractive; and all the women and nb folk I’ve fucked or dated have almost always presented in a super masculine way.

The hottest parts of someone I was into – to me and aside from their brain, heart and energy – has always been arms, shoulders, backs, and most importantly their hands.

It’s no secret that masculine energy makes me froth but after really shitty experiences in high school – I guess I never truly felt like men vibed me and I didn’t really see myself being anywhere near balls again. Ever.

I didn’t think men looked at me or that I was the type of woman who men would be attracted to – there’s a lot to unpack there about not feeling beautiful, worthy or valid in this body but let’s do that another time.

So when you’ve spent all of your adult life being intimate with people who have a certain level of feminine energy and parts that are the same as yours; the prospect of the ole’ D is very confronting.

How would I feel kissing a cis man? Or being fucked by them? Or communicating with them? Or being vulnerable around them? Or having them see my body? Or allowing them into my safe spaces? Would I be satisfied? Would I like it?

I had already prepped myself for unsolicited dick pics, how to tackle super thirsty gross messages, slut shaming, unwanted attention, abuse and just yuck behaviour in general but I really hadn’t prepared myself to feel so comfortable with men – sexually – at all.

Liking the way they touched me, being turned on by their bodies, experiencing pleasure from them, navigating dude sex for the first time since I fooled around with boys when I was in highschool; it’s all been really bizarre but for the most part, pretty respectful, sexy af and fun!

It’s like this whole other world has opened up to me now, and the thought of being intimate with men is no longer triggering or scary but exciting…

In the same breath it has also made me question so much of my identity and why it took me so long to explore this side of myself; which I’m assuming has heaps to do with trauma, internalised bi phobia and fear of rejection from my queer family.

How else is a girl fresh at the market supposed to meet men that she’s interested in aside from Tinder – until I was banned for being too hot! (*no factual evidence to support otherwise)

Here I was swiping, matching and engaging in ‘banter’ (as they call it) with men on Tinder and getting more and more overwhelmed – it was certainly an experience in and of itself.

So much of it is bizarre!

Taking a step back from constantly chasing humans that I’m interested in, to being lusted over and chased myself.

Cis dude energy is really quite pungent and there’s the whole – I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with that thing in your pants situation too.

I guess you could call it an exploration of uncharted territory and if I’m being real, I kinda like it.

Of course you’ve probably seen the nightmare conversations that I posted on my IG account and I’ve had guys who convinced me they were solid and then regularly blow up my phone at 4am looking for sex.

I’ve had men froth over my sexually liberated attitude and then want to set ground rules about what I can and cannot post online.

I can’t imagine there ever being a shortage of fuckboys online and in the time that I’ve written this, 6 man strangers have slid into my dms but I swear, there are a few good men.

Being so forward about what I’ve been up to has actually opened up dialogue and made communicating with guys from my past really enlightening too.

I’ve received apologies, explanations and respect from people who have hurt me, or stood by while I was hurt and it’s allowed me to let go of some really intense trauma and finally move on.

Oh, and the conversations I’ve been having with guys who are trying to be better, create safe spaces for women and actually stand up to their mates have been really beautiful as well.

I’m sensing a real momentum and shift in the way men interact in this space and for that I’m infinitely happy.

Turns out my ‘type’ is pretty much the same across the board for all humans too except I’m also digging beards – hard. That’s new!

Coming into my femininity has been such a blessing in my adult life and fully allowed me to feel confident, comfortable, liberated and exited about getting to know guys who tick all the boxes.

I’m standing up for myself with more passion, speaking out more aggressively, going out more regularly and I’m feeling less intimidated by traditionally hetero spaces.

I’ve also learnt some pretty interesting things about myself and other humans in the last few months too.

1. I’m not about random hookups. The type of sex I like to have, the amount of vulnerability that has to be present and the level of shared energy I crave just isn’t sustainable or often possible with humans who don’t know each other.

2. Open relationships and polyamory is ok with me. I used to hate the idea and would tell anyone that would listen but it’s growing on me. Still not sure I could be person #1 but person #2 or #3 sure is fun.

3. The queer community are our own worst enemy. It is alarming to me that people who understand first hand how isolating and frightening being invisible, invalidated or ignored can be would choose to treat other members of their own community this way.

4. Men want safe spaces to talk about their needs and feelings too. It’s so beautiful to see the real shit cis men have been taught to hide out of fear of rejection or embarrassment.

5. My resilience is so much stronger than I thought. I can’t believe the hole I found myself in a few months ago and feel super blessed to have found the strength to get through it – it’s magic on the other side.

In short, this bitch is on fire and living her best damn life. Getting to know myself better, exploring new connections and frothing over cute boys – that’s enough for me to shout Halle-fucking-lujah.

Love, P

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